EMERGENCE

OK

So, I don't mind letting you know my thoughts. In fact, I don't really care. What I want is simply to externalize all the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that plague my mind so that I may be at ease (and not constantly thinking about these things).

Do you ever feel like you're stuck in a rut? Like everything you do is monotonous and predictable? Well, I've felt that way every day of my life--no joke. A lot of the times I can't help but think about how pointless life really is. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal or anything of the sort...I just feel complacent. It's like I'm okay with being alive, but I wouldn't really care if I died. The same kind of people do the same kind of things everyday...it's depressing. Maybe I don't get out much, maybe I don't have enough friends, maybe it's both....but I feel like a slave to reality.

I woke up this morning feeling like today was going to be THE DAY. The day I actually grow-up and work towards my goals in life rather than bi*%$# about how crappy my life is to everyone. I know my life is not crappy, but I don't know where to go from where I am. I don't want to be the same person forever. I want to grow, to learn, to understand things, and to experience life. The people I have kept in touch with since middle school, even high school, have changed so much, but I have remained stoic. From now on, everything I do will be for my well-being without letting the caprice of others (or myself) get in the way. The only problem is that I want things to happen NOW, as if by a push of a button I will become everything I wish to be...but that is not going to happen. I came to the realization that my wanting all this from life should be my motivator instead of the obstruction. It's discouraging to want so much and be so far from reaching that goal, but I refuse to let me beat myself down. I WILL get what I want simply because I want it.