My Near Future

Aren't books amazing? Less than a year ago, I wouldn't have opened a book unless I wanted to know something so badly that my head would explode if I hadn't, but now I have no choice. Read or fail. Learning through osmosis doesn't work out as well as one may think. Although it was difficult for me to care about the words inside my schoolbooks last semester, I find that I now enjoy reading. It has improved my ability to think logically, remember, write, and verbalize my thoughts. I remember most everything I learned last semester and this semester is much easier because of it. I wouldn't go as far as saying that I would buy books for leisure reading, but at least I want to learn what my professors are trying to teach. Maybe next semester I will evolve into a bookworm?

Lately, my mind has been overwhelmed by my class in philosophy of religions. I thought it would be easy, although I had never been formally introduced to philosophy. Little did I know that this class was going to take up most of my time. It has been a bit difficult fitting the work of all my other four classes around study time for philosophy. I realize now that I need this class, in fact everyone does. It will help me sort out all my conflicting beliefs, ideals, and decisions. By the end of it, I expect the direction of my life to be more focused...and it damn well better be with all the work I'm putting into it!

A SCRAPE WITH MEMORY LANE

So far, so good. I love all of my professors with the exception of my government instructor whose voice is slower and more monotone than my own! I didn't think these kind of people really existed...I thought they were only in movies and in Clear Eye commercials. But aside from my drone of a professor, I had a rather interesting day. I ate breakfast with my family this morning at a restaurant where we happened to sit across from my ex-boyfriend's brothers and his wife. Intuitively, I smiled at them as to acknowledge their existence and rapidly found the seat at our table furthest from them. Unfortunately, his family and mine are well-acquainted since we were together for a very long time, and his brother's wife decided to get up and greet us. HOW INCREDIBLY AWKWARD!! For the record, our relationship didn't end in friendly terms...and our families instinctively found their way into our fiasco, so you can understand the level of uncomfort I felt being approached by one of them. The hand-shaking and fake concern for one-another went fine, however I was unable to indulge myself into any form of significant conversation with my family because they sat in a table that literally faced us. I was disconcerted, to say the least. I can't help but wonder what they were thinking when they saw me, since it has been several years we last saw each other. I only ask this because I wonder how different I seem now in comparison to who I was many years ago. I'd like to know that all my work has not gone in vain and that I am a better person now than then, but I guess that sort of thing would not be best evaluated by people with whom I have conflict. I'm tired of hearing that I look the same when I meet up with people I haven't seen in a while--that's not a compliment, that's an insult. No, I don't want to look older but can't you tell that I have evolved into a better me? Really?

Seems like I don't have any mind-boggling perceptions today as I was blown away by my first class in Philosophy of Religion. I love it! The concepts that were presented to me in this day alone have left me in contemplative silence. There are so many things to take into perspective when studying philosophy, and it's all so logical...who could argue with such ideas? I might take this up as a new hobby...

ENTRANCED

In spite of the crappy morning I had, I woke up in such a singing mood. I sang and danced all morning as if nothing was wrong with the world. I find that songs, even the ones that have absolutely nothing to do with anything in my life, make me happy. A lot of the time I am attracted to songs whose words I don't listen to. It could could be anytime between a week to several years until I finally decide to pay attention to what they are saying in a song because once you KNOW the intentions behind the words it completely ruins what the song meant to you. Music is what moves me, therefore, I find that listening to the words is not as important as identifying yourself with a melody so moving to your soul you can't help to rock in your seat. Isn't music simply addicting? It's as if by sounds and vibrations you are connected to another realm in which the only form of communicating is by swaying to the ways that it moves you. Each song engulfs one in a trance that can only be triggered by that specific collaboration of sounds. Every personality's senses are aroused by a different sound, a different beat, a different instrument. Personally, I am fascinated by the sound of the violin-- especially when it is inserted in genres of music that it would typically not be associated with (such as the music of Apocalyptica). I also love the guitar and that weird Asian guitar (sorry I don't know the name). What I don't understand is why people find so much importance in the lives of the creators of songs. Is delving in the who, what, when, where, and why of an artist truly so important? Wouldn't one be missing out on a lot of good songs if the person is what they are putting on a pedestal? It's the melodically infused message that should matter--NOT the label.

JUNCTURE OF SELF

      So I spent a huge chunk of my time yesterday trying to get to places I have been before. I took my aunt to the wrong art supply I had in mind (I meant to go to another and ended up in a place I didn't even realize I remembered), I couldn't find my blog or figure out how to sign in...but I figured everything our just before I gave up (it pays to be persistent). On the upside, I got some cheap art supplies that I've been wanting to try out for a while--charcoal and those blendy-paper thingies I didn't know existed. GO FIGURE, looks like I may have a hidden talent. For the record, I can draw pretty well with a pen or a pencil, but I have never touched charcoal. I did not know that drawing with charcoal would come so naturally to me. I kinda like this feeling of unexpected accomplishment, but I have yet to show these to someone else...so I'm posting them here for all (or whoever stumbles into this blog). Squeeeeak! (ahem, that's my happy noise).

      On a more serious note (a quite random one at that), I am preparing for the following months of self-inflicted stress coming up as school starts on the 19th. Although I love school, I can't help but wonder what this term is going to bring for my relationship. It damn near ended it last time, but I guess only time will tell.

....enough of my rambling....

      As for my deeper perceptions of life, my mind is plagued with them. There are so many, in fact, that I find myself doing nothing more than worrying about where exactly I want to be in life, what image am I going for (and is it the right one), and who am I, really? I think it's true that no one knows who they are because there are so many aspects that affect public opinion of oneself. Public acceptance is desirable, therefore we aim to reach the epitome of this ideal by mimicking each other while trying to outdo the other--a never-ending cycle.  It is infinitely difficult to remain true to oneself while retaining a publicly acceptable persona. Oftentimes I think that personally enlightened people are the weirdos and outcasts that society sets aside because they don't adhere to the common ideals.  I don't want to be "cool", because nothing good really comes from that mainstream personality, but I still want to connect with others. If you really think about it, all those people are looked up to because they have immoral, harmful, or simply inane actions and ideals that heed to the common lust for power, wealth, and glory. I don't want that. I just want to be me, but how does one go about searching for it? Several years of my life I spent my days impulsively making sure that every decision I made was opposite to the common response, and all that time I thought I was being myself. What a laugh! How do you keep your beliefs and your morals alive when making decisions? How does one stay true to themselves without becoming an outcast? What should your morals be and why? And for that matter, what is true "good"? Perception is key, but which is right?

EMERGENCE

OK

So, I don't mind letting you know my thoughts. In fact, I don't really care. What I want is simply to externalize all the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that plague my mind so that I may be at ease (and not constantly thinking about these things).

Do you ever feel like you're stuck in a rut? Like everything you do is monotonous and predictable? Well, I've felt that way every day of my life--no joke. A lot of the times I can't help but think about how pointless life really is. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal or anything of the sort...I just feel complacent. It's like I'm okay with being alive, but I wouldn't really care if I died. The same kind of people do the same kind of things everyday...it's depressing. Maybe I don't get out much, maybe I don't have enough friends, maybe it's both....but I feel like a slave to reality.

I woke up this morning feeling like today was going to be THE DAY. The day I actually grow-up and work towards my goals in life rather than bi*%$# about how crappy my life is to everyone. I know my life is not crappy, but I don't know where to go from where I am. I don't want to be the same person forever. I want to grow, to learn, to understand things, and to experience life. The people I have kept in touch with since middle school, even high school, have changed so much, but I have remained stoic. From now on, everything I do will be for my well-being without letting the caprice of others (or myself) get in the way. The only problem is that I want things to happen NOW, as if by a push of a button I will become everything I wish to be...but that is not going to happen. I came to the realization that my wanting all this from life should be my motivator instead of the obstruction. It's discouraging to want so much and be so far from reaching that goal, but I refuse to let me beat myself down. I WILL get what I want simply because I want it.